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I felt like an imposter for 21 years

Hi Reader,

If I told you that I was a composer would that surprise you? Probably not. For me, I've struggled with 100% owning that. Calling myself a composer has felt like wearing an oversized shirt that maybe one day I would grow into.

Let's go back to the beginning... ⏳

Music brightened my world early in life. I would have transcendent experiences while listening to music; traveling far into cosmic, vibratory landscapes.

I started writing music when I was 14 and from middle school through college I spent hours in a flow state composing.

Then something happened...

After graduating college I got lost trying to find a way to make money and so I didn’t have time (or make time) to write music anymore.

Years passed without writing anything and when I listened to music that I had written I'd wonder “how did I write that?”

I started to feel that I couldn’t write anymore and had lost my gift. 😢

When people told me that they were moved by my music I thanked them and had a momentary feeling of satisfaction but almost immediately my inner voice would say...

• "yeah but it’s not as good as so-and-so’s music" or
• "it doesn't matter because you don't have control over when you can write music" or
• "you're not a real composer because you didn't go to school for it" etc.

When I recorded my music with an orchestra for the first time I was deeply moved and inspired by the whole experience and yet there was still a part of me that felt I didn’t belong there.

I thought to myself, "who am I to record music with an orchestra?"

Recently things have shifted for me… ✨

Now I know that I'm a composer and I comfortable embodying that.

• I accept this about myself simply because music is what naturally flows through me.
• I accept that my writing comes and goes in accordance with some mystery that I have no control over.
• I trust that when I experience the creation of music as a gift then it will be a gift to others.

Whatever inspires me to write music also guides my hand in creating it. I've never known how it works. "Not knowing is most intimate". 🙏🏼

This acceptance has led me to larger realizations...

My music catalog is a memoir

As part of the corner that’s been turned, I'm celebrating the role that each piece of music has played in my life when I wrote it. Each one has been my medicine and my teacher. My hope is that you will receive some of these gifts when you listen to it.

That's all for now!

Leave a reply to share anything that resonates with you, to ask a question, or just to say hi.

(I'd love to hear from you. 🙂)

All the best,

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